Brothers and Sisters in Saban, we bring to you today a special Monday message.  As you have no doubt noticed, the Eastern Wastelands are in turmoil.  Many of you have long waited to see this, but myself and the rest of the Council had no doubt that such tribulations lay ahead of them.  Why?  It was foretold…

From the Book of the Process:

“For years and years The Great Ears dwelt in the Eastern Wastelands, and he rallied the outcasts that dwelt there to his cause.  And their numbers grew as strong as their odor, and in time their warriors outnumbered the cattle in their fields.  The warriors studied the art of war, and naught else, and the Army of the Ears brought war to The Promised Lands, and those people were waylaid time and time again.

But when the Dark Lord appeared, a great black cloud formed over the Eastern Wastelands.  Those cursed people saw it, and many of them said, ‘We have seen this clouds before, and nary a storm have they brought!’  But some of their wisest elders said, ‘These clouds are the darkest we have seen since The Most Exalted dwelt in The Promised Lands.’

Hearing these elders, The Great Ears panicked, and he cast aside his old ways, and he tried to make his battle tactics anew.  But time after time, his new ways failed, and his followers longed for the armies of years long past.   They said, ‘Great Ears, why have you brought this upon us?’  And he said, ‘It was not I, but the Guru who has forsaken you!’ And because The Guru had come to them with a new voice which they always doubted, they believed this fable, and The Guru was stoned.  Battle came again to the Eastern Wastelands, and again The Great Ears was forced into defeat, and the followers again said, ‘Great Ears, why have you brought this upon us?’  And he said, ‘It was not I, but my field generals who have forsaken you!’  And because they always doubted their field generals, they believed this fable, and the field generals were stoned.  Yet after this the Great Ears was defeated again and again, and he looked around him, and there was no one left to serve to the angry masses, and this spelled his demise.  The people came to him, and he was thrown to the farm animals, and the farm animals knew him, and then he was stoned.  And when the Dark Lord heard of this, he told his followers, ‘Learn well the lesson of the Eastern Wastelands, aight.  When you stand in the way of The Process, you shall be trodden asunder, and I shall be the master relative to the ownership of your buttocks.’”

It seems that we did not invoke the Great Saban quick enough to allow The Guru to get away from the Eastern Wastelands unscathed:

Great Saban, Dark Lord of the Hashmarks and Supreme Commander of the Grand Army of the Sabanic Empire, we know that your heart has no room for compassion.  We know that the whole of your being is consumed with rage relative to the mindset needed to feast on the very will of your enemies.  But Great Saban, a man has fallen from on high this day.  The Mighty Guru, who knows not a razor, finds himself outcast from the Eastern Wastelands.  Never again shall he know the joy of a merry hayride; never again shall his Charmin double ply ever feel so soft as when he tossed it high in the air; never again shall he sleep comfortably on top of his desk for days at a time.  We ask not for your mercy for this man, for we know you have none.  But we invoke you, Dark Lord, if it be your will, that you bring no greater pestilence upon this man, as we know you can, and as we know you planned to do.  Save your great wrath for another foe, and tread lightly on his Guru Without a Mountain with your mighty shoe.

May all we do be Aight in your sight.