A friendly follower of the Athenian Hound recently asked us for a brief history of the Church of Saban.  This was a worthy question, and The Council and I decided that it deserved more than a token response.

The Great Tome of Saban gives us little information on the origins of the Dark Lord.  The information we do have has been passed down through oral legend, songs, ritualistic dances, and paintings on rudimentary coffee mugs.

The founding of the Church of Saban is shrouded in mystery.  Ancient legend tells us that, when the world was young, and cavemen rode dinosaurs across the great plains during their great hunts of the tuberville-eared tiger, Chuck Norris walked long through the hills of what is now West Virginia.  Coming upon a coal mine, he was smitten, and he expressed his love for the coal mine physically (as was the custom of the time).  Nine months later, covered in goal dust, and wearing a straw hat and naught else, our Dark Lord emerged.  Twelve were his fingers, and fourteen were his toes.  He knelt low to the ground, and he picked up a great boulder, and from it he fashioned the world’s first football (using only his teeth).  It was in this way that he also invented the world’s first toothache.

Throughout the ages, he studied the ways of gridiron battle.  He hid in the trees near many of the world’s greatest battles, and he analyzed how the tactics of manifold great generals could be used to dominate his future opponents.  He invented the zone blitz after watching Alexander the Great simultaneously pull back the end flanks of his infantry while rushing his cavalry forward up the center.  He was traveling in what is now China when gunpowder was first invented…when he saw this, he was inspired to create the shotgun snap.  He told General Pickett to play conservatively, and thus felt he had done all he could do when Pickett’s all-out-blitz was destroyed by a masterfully executed middle screen by the Union.

Through all this time, the Dark Lord gained power, and he was chosen to serve under great generals.  The Disheveled One chose him to command the defenses of his army of mercenaries, and the renown of Saban grew great.  Eventually, he decided it was time to raise his own army, and though their numbers seemed paltry, their success was great.  He soon went north to raise a larger army, and under his guidance it has been said that they slew giants like they had never before done.  However, their battles lacked the epic scale that he so thirsted for.  Thus he sailed the Great River until he reached its mouth,  and there he made camp and raised an army the likes of which few had seen.  So terrible were their powers that soon none could stand with them, and they were known as the champions of the land.

Shortly after this time, word of the Great Saban seemingly vanishes.  It is told among the elder members of the Council, all learned in Sabanic lore, that he ventured even farther south, and there he made camp with mercenaries that has already been accumulated for his anticipated arrival.  However, this army brought him no joy.  He found his men fought only for money, and for fame, and for the wenches that lingered long around the battlefields.  He pined for the chance to once again raise his own forces…forces that would fight only for the glory of the Dark Lord and his great cause.

And thus it came to pass that word spread across the lands about the shell of a once great army that had of late seen many dark days.  And an Oracle came to Saban, and he prophesied, “Great Saban, there is a river called the River of Warriors, and its waters run as black as your heart.  Go to this place, and there you shall find that which you seek.”  The Dark Lord replied, “Aight.”  And thus he traveled north, and word spread of his coming, and sayers of sooth and purveyors of lies told many tales about his arrival.  Some said that he had intended to come for many moons; others doubted that he would come at all.  But alas, he did come, and the followers of the once great army rejoiced and greeted him at the gate of the city.

It is here that the words of the Great Tome of Saban continues the story.  As soon as he arrived, a few of the faithful rallied to spread the lessons that he came to teach across the land.  Alas, I was one of these, and my brethren in Saban and I created the Council of the Straw Hat to better study his ways and grow learned in his wisdom.  We soon decided that his great and terrible message would be too complex for the masses to learn without guidance, and thus the Church of Saban was formed to distill his knowledge and deliver it to his followers.

That mission continues to this very day.