(Note:  If you think writing for this site is easy, YOU try to sit there and come up with something creative about Arkansas Freakin State, aight?)

From the recently discovered Directional School Scrolls, an apocryphal text which is not formally part of the Great Tome of Saban, but which will be studied in great detail and considered for further addition thereto:

“In the days when the Dark Lord first came to the Promised Lands, and before his Grand Army was organized to his pleasure, his men were waylaid by a rouge band of barbarians who came from the lands even past the swamps and the bayous where the Great Saban had once raised his army of champions.  Though the barbarians were thought to be few in number and weak in spirit, Saban’s men knew not yet the ways of The Process and their competitive desire relative to their dedication to perseverance was still weak, and thus they fell in defeat.  But the Great Saban stood before his people, and he took the brunt of the defeat on his broad shoulders, and he said, ‘Never again shall you see your Army fall in defeat to such a foe, aight?  I would relinquish all the Debbie Cookies in all the world for all my days than to see this shame befall my people again.’

But even in the year of the rising of the Grand Army, barbarian tribes spoke to one another about the shocking defeat, and many chieftains whispered of catching the Dark Lord off guard again and plundering his great wealth.  And one such chieftain made ready his army, but he told them not where they were to be marching, as the Dark Lord had marched to their region that very season and had laid waste to the army of a great general there, and the chieftain feared that his men would lose heart if they knew that they marched to face the Dark Lord in his own abode.

And although few along the path talked of their coming, the Dark Lord sensed that danger approached, and he went to his men and said, ‘My sons, ready yourselves for battle.  Those who fight you will not be the strongest you see, nor will they be the fastest.  Nor will they be the most skillful relative to their tactics relative to succeeding relative to securing victory.  But they shall have heart and spirit, and when they see you their eyes will burn with greed, and their greed shall devour you as I devour my Debbie cookie if you sit there prone, waiting to be upwrapped.  Think not that you fight only this foe, but you fight the hearts and minds of every foe that awaits you!  Unleash all that I have taught you, and may those who hear of your deeds fear The Process, and cause soiling relative to their finest linens!’

And the Grand Army prepared for battle, and the wiley veterans who had lived through the barbarian defeat harshly warned the bright eyed young soldiers that failure would not be tolerated.”

From the Book of Foes:

“In the days before the First Great Rising of the Grand Army of the Sabanic Empire, there dwelt a people cast out from the rest of the tribes, and their leader was Houstonus Wildcatus Nutteus.  And he led them for many years, but eventually his people tired of his ways, and they cast him out in favor of the great mercenary general.  Not long had he wandered in until he came upon a great warrior who was also wandering alone in the wilderness.  ‘Brave warrior,’ spake Nutteus, ‘Where is thine army?’  The warrior replied, “I have no army.  I once fought under the banner of the Single Star, but they would not give me command of my own battalion, and I became despondent.  When I complained, I was exiled.’  ‘Then follow me,’ Nutteus told him.  ‘I have no army now, but I shall not wander for long, and when I find my army, you shall lead them.’

Not many days had passed when Nutteus and The Exile came upon a camp, and the army there was in disarray.  He strode amongst them, and yelled, ‘Mighty warriors, where is your leader?’  One of their ranks stepped forward and said, ‘Our leader?  In the depths of madness he is!  We encountered many defeats, and his mind left him!  His wits stayed not between his ears, and his shirt stayed not on his chest!’ Nutteus, sensing his time was nigh, told them, ‘Then I shall lead you in spirit, and my apprentice shall lead you on the field of battle.’  And the camp rejoiced, for a leader had found them who flung not his own waste when angry.  And it was said that they marched to the southern swamplands, and there they met the Angel Timothy and Urbanus Maximus, and they prevailed against all odds.

The Great Saban heard of these deeds, and his concern was great.  ‘Disorganized have these men been,’ he told his generals.  ‘But Nutteus will bring them order.  We must crush their spirit relative to the excitement they feel relative to having a leader who is not mentally ill.’  ‘Dark Lord,’ one of the generals asked, ‘Should we march to meet them?’  ‘No,’ spake Saban.  ‘I know his heart, and I know the hatred that burns therein relative to the last time I defeated him.  He shall come to our own lands, and there shall I be pleased and happy to smite him again.’”