The Church of Saban, through its sundry connections of the Faithful throughout the country, have obtained a copy of the last newsletter that The One With Supple Breasts sent to his loyal paying custom…I mean fans. We now enlighten your eyes with a snippet this information:

Loyal Supporters of Texas A&M, what a great week it’s been here at the Dennis Franchione Honorary Football Complex. Although some “Debbie Downers” are viewing our slight non-win against Miami as a negative, we can assure you that such a name is nothing more than a learning experience. What did we learn? Well, we saw what happens when the players fail to execute my brilliant and in-every-way-perfect gameplan. Did you see those holes being opened on my famous smoke draw? The Hurricane defense had no idea what to do! If only my 335 pound tailback would hit the hole quickly LIKE I INSTRUCTED HIM TO we would have blown the Hurricanes out of their own stadium like a mild tropical depression. Yes, friends, trust me…it’s not my fault. It’s all their fault. For the love of Sam Houston, and all that is holy, please believe it’s not my fault! Please don’t fire me! I financed my augmentation surgery!…..”

Your Good Reverend Doctor consulted the Oracle about what the future holds for The One With Supple Breasts…and to the Followers of the Boobs, weep, for I must tell you, the future holds no favor for your master. And to those Aggies that are Enemies of the Boobs…rejoice, for the future holds no favor for your master.

What is it with Mississippi schools and poor quarterback play?  The Oracle believes that it must be in the water…perhaps caused by the deadly mixture of tears and Evan Williams Green Label that filters into Magnolia State groundwater after almost every home game.  However, even if the Rebels had a quarterback, we’re sure the Ogre would find some way to mess him up.  Surely the reign of the Ogre is nearing an end.  The Oracle foresees this, as he had a vision where Colonel Reb was in the middle of Vaught-Hemmingway, doing something like this:

THE ORACLE SAYS:  Georgia 34, Ole Miss 15

Fortunately for the Lesser Bulldogs, this game is not always dependent on coaching prowess, and they have a defense that might keep them in the game against a struggling Gamecock offense.  However, we’re sure that at some point they will realize, "We are Mississippi State, and we have won two games in a row," and take steps to remedy this strange situation through, most likely, brilliant QB play from whichever male MSU student that was selected to lead the Bulldog offense through the regular, "Golden Flake Pork Rinds ‘Top Dawg’ Quarterback Fantasy Sweepstakes."  Yes, friends, the Oracle foresees that the MSU QB conundrum will grow so dire that Bulldog fans will be longing for the days of…no, I dare not say it.

THE ORACLE SAYS:  South Carolina 23, Croom’s Red Cross 9

However, the prediction must go forward.  After a tough loss to the Great Saban, Vandy looked better against The Ogre than did the Angel and his minions.  To Florida’s credit, however, they looked about as excited to be in Oxford as a Gator booster club contingent in a restaurant with a "No Jorts" policy (Mighty Gators:  we kid…please don’t hurt us).  This week, the Commodores will devour Northwestern Idaho A&M or whatever just as their coach devours twinkies on his birthday.

Since their opponent leaves much to be desired this week, the Vandy players were able to spend the week brushing up on other athletic pursuits…including the following.  The Oracle hopes that they are thankful for this activity, as he foresees that they are the only SEC team that has been able to figure out how to successfully operate this magic game machine.

THE ORACLE SAYS:  Vanderbilt 38, Team Vanderbilt is Playing 11

They had a great victory last week.  They had an explosion of points.  They had the news that the 2nd dumbest looking person named Lester in the SEC would return soon.  However, they did not find the magic bullet needed to defeat their Reptilian foes.

The One With Cavernous Ears may try to run, but his forces will prevent him from doing so.  The elephant has the best memory, but unfortunately for the One With Cavernous Ears, even a Gator can remember events only one year past.

THE ORACLE SAYS:  Tim Tebow 42, The Newly Resurgent Auburn Tigers (Destroyers of Aggies and Champions of Mumme) 13

Brothers and sisters in Saban,

We know that it has been a hard week for all members of the Great Sabanic Family.  However, the Wise have advised that the Plan of The Saban is not like the hopes of the Weak…it is neither fleeting, nor is it failing.  It does not come and go as do the tides, but rather incorporates the Mighty Process to give strength where there was weakness and hope where there was despair.  The Book of the Process tells us (5:1-2), "I will fight yet as I build my army, and although not every battle shall be won, the Final Victory shall be ours."

The enemies of Saban are a simple lot.  They view times of adversity as instances of weakness, and they fail to see that such adversity is just another cog in the Mighty Process.  They write scornful articles that fail to recognize the greatness of Saban, while at the same time praising false idols whose only real function now is to impart the preference for silly sunglasses on their proteges. 

I am reminded of the story of the Great Saban lecturing his believers shortly after his arrival.  In the Gospel According to Collette, the people asked Saban, "Teacher, what should we do about those that call you a demon?"  Saban replied, "I understand, my children, why they call me a demon.  They call me a demon because they know that my reign will feel as Hell to their minions." 

May it come to pass.

Oh great and powerful Saban. We pray to you today to bestow victory upon your soldiers as they do battle with the foes from the east, the Followers of Dooley. So long it has been since we have tasted victory against this most formidable of opponents, but their days are numbered, for The Great Saban has come to deliver us to victory. Not since The Champion That Came Before You have we defeated these dogs, but we know you will succeed where The Child and The One With Supple Breasts did fail.

Oh Saban, for so many years we’ve tasted not victory, but rather our own tears of sorrow, and I fear that some among our nation have forgotten what it is to be a champion. In our last battle, you relit that fire, and showed us once again the great process which is underway. Even as some among the nation questioned you, you did not question yourself. Never did you doubt that victory was inevitable, and I pray that never again shall your nation doubt you.

We know your army will be prepared for battle, for you have bestowed upon them your wisdom, and you have molded them into a force that is far greater than the sum of the individual parts. Please enable Grant to be swift of foot and Wilson, strong of arm. Please help your Beast Child and his Friends of the Wall to defend our stronghold, and please let McClain and Castille show no mercy, for if our defenses are impregnable, then victory shall be assured.

Oh great and powerful Saban. Please make us a Champion today. Amen.

Unfortunately for the Rebels, the Great Saban has already told them how this story ends.  "The Ogre will rally many of the best to his side, yet they will still fall.  He could take a cup of wine and make it taste of mud, and will make those with the strength of the stallion fight with the will of the mule."

The Oracle foresees a buffet line of good tidings for the Vols this Saturday, as they receive some Sun Belt tonic for their dark wounds.  Once again, the Indians will meet foes in coonskin caps in the hills of the Appalachians, and the Oracle foresees this contest too look much like the first, as the men in coonskin have superior firepower that will grab huge tracts of land without looking back.

THE ORACLE SAYS:  Tennessee 41, Arkansas State 13