We’re sure that you’ve all read by now that The One With Supple Breasts has been selling information to Texas A&M followers for the low, low price of $1,200 per year. Since The One With Supple Breasts is no doubt a salesman of great force and skill, we do not doubt that there were many takers.

The Church of Saban, through its sundry connections of the Faithful throughout the country, have obtained a copy of the last newsletter that The One With Supple Breasts sent to his loyal paying custom…I mean fans. We now enlighten your eyes with a snippet this information:

Loyal Supporters of Texas A&M, what a great week it’s been here at the Dennis Franchione Honorary Football Complex. Although some “Debbie Downers” are viewing our slight non-win against Miami as a negative, we can assure you that such a name is nothing more than a learning experience. What did we learn? Well, we saw what happens when the players fail to execute my brilliant and in-every-way-perfect gameplan. Did you see those holes being opened on my famous smoke draw? The Hurricane defense had no idea what to do! If only my 335 pound tailback would hit the hole quickly LIKE I INSTRUCTED HIM TO we would have blown the Hurricanes out of their own stadium like a mild tropical depression. Yes, friends, trust me…it’s not my fault. It’s all their fault. For the love of Sam Houston, and all that is holy, please believe it’s not my fault! Please don’t fire me! I financed my augmentation surgery!…..”

Your Good Reverend Doctor consulted the Oracle about what the future holds for The One With Supple Breasts…and to the Followers of the Boobs, weep, for I must tell you, the future holds no favor for your master. And to those Aggies that are Enemies of the Boobs…rejoice, for the future holds no favor for your master.

Much has been made of late by the stunning success that the Great Saban has achieved in his first full recruiting year. I am here to tell you, brothers and sisters, that these victories are not stunning. They were foretold.

As the Bishop of the Church of Saban, protector of the Verses and Guardian of the Faith, I now impart this ancient wisdom to you. There are some that say, “Those are just vague prophecies that you interpret into meaning something after the fact, like Nostradamus’s quatrains.” Those people say that no longer, as all were killed by hepatitis shortly after making that statement.

We will begin with a prayer: Great Saban, who has come to deliver us from the shackles of mediocrity and the bounds of despair, we thank you, our Great Emancipator, for the blessings which you bring us, and the victories yet to come. Amen.

Now prepare you hearts and minds to hear the words of Saban:

The verse that foretells the commitments from our many Mobile recruits, The Book of Steele, 2:1-5: “The foolish went to the sea, and they said, ‘Here, no fruits are borne.’ But I go to the sea, and I say, ‘Lo, here is the planting grounds of a fertile crop.’ The foolish went to the sea and said, ‘The sheep of this pasture shall follow others.’ But I go to the sea, and I say, ‘Lo, the sheep of this pasture shall follow me.’”

Specifically, the next verses, Steele 2:6-8, mention the St. Paul players, including AJ McCarron for 09: “And by the sea, verily, four brothers shall see me and say, ‘Teacher, we must follow you!’ And they shall follow me, and leave their youngest behind to tend their lands. But my mercy is great, and even he shall one day join me in my kingdom.”

And Burton Scott…Steele 4:1-4: “The multitudes cried to him, and said, ‘Teacher, how should we praise you? Should we praise you with our mouths? Should you praise you with our wealth? Should we praise you with our deeds?’ And he said to them, ‘You should praise me with all those things, but above all, praise me vigor, for with vigor shall come a boon to my kingdom that none foresaw.’”

And Tyler Love…Book of the Process, 13:1-4: “And the Teacher traveled throughout the land, and stayed long in the city where many multitudes dwelt. And after he taught there, he went over the mountain, where dwelt those of great wealth who knew not the greatness of his teachings. When he began his teaching there, upon him came a giant, but he was not afraid. The Teacher said, ‘Come,’ and the giant forsook his home and followed.”

Corey Smith…the kicker. Book of Arenas, 2:9-13: “The people came to him and said, ‘Teacher, our foes strike from so far away! The swing of their feet shall bring us defeat!’ And he replied, ‘Fools! Do you doubt that I will have the one who also strikes from far away? From my homeland he shall come, and those who fail me shall be cast aside.’”

I hesitate to even bring this up…but I’ll impart these words of Saban to you, and you decide for yourselves how it should be interpreted. Gospel of Saban, 19:1-7: “The Teacher again went to the sea, where the greatest among the warriors dwelt, and the Teacher said, “Follow me.” But the warrior did not follow. After a while, the Teacher went back to the sea, and he said to the warrior, “Follow me.” But the warrior did not follow. And on the day before the Teacher was to assemble his great army, he went to the sea once more, and he said to the warrior, “Follow me.” And the warrior followed, and the Teacher’s army was made strong.”

Brothers and sisters in Saban,

Tonight, I sensed much fear at The Temple.  I can understand why you may have had fear in your hearts; for so long, false leaders have buoyed your spirit, only to dash your hopes.  However, you should not have fear as you have in the past, for it is written, “Fools!  Do not doubt me as you doubted the one that came before me, for he was but a child, but I am a man.” (1st Moore 3:12-13).

In fact, the glorious events of this evening were foretold in the Great Saban’s sermon to the believers at Fort Deposit.  Reading from the Book of the Process, chapters 17-19:

“And after they ate together, the Teacher said, ‘Come close, my friends, and I will tell you of a day of triumph yet to come.  It is a day where the sun will burn bright, and then be covered by the darkest cloud…but it will burn through the cloud, and be brighter than ever.’

And one of the followers said, ‘Teacher, tell us, why will the sun burn through the clouds?  In the past, when the clouds came, the rain was sure to follow.’  And the Great Leader said, ‘Verily, the present is not the past.’

And he continued his story, saying, ‘A great battle will be had between my followers and the poor pigs from the desolate lands west of the Great River.  They will be led by a man of great distinction, for he is more Beast than man.  He will know not fear nor pain, and the strikes of my forces shall not harm him, but will bounce off him like the arrow that strikes the armor.  His armies shall be pushed back, and our victory will look sure, but I will know that victory is not sure.  The Beast shall rally his men, and they shall cry, ‘We shall take this day!’  But know well, my children, I will tell my general, ‘This is your time,’ and he shall know it is his time, and he shall fight like we have not yet seen him fight before.  Victory shall be tasted by all who follow me, and verily I say to you, you all shall fall upon your knees and praise me this day.’ 

One of them said, ‘But Teacher, we already praise you.’  And he said, “Child, you praise me now as the farmer praises the vine that is newly planted.  He knows that it will bear fruit, but he has not yet seen the fruit.  You have seen my vine; after this victory, you shall know my fruit.”