We’re sure that you’ve all read by now that The One With Supple Breasts has been selling information to Texas A&M followers for the low, low price of $1,200 per year. Since The One With Supple Breasts is no doubt a salesman of great force and skill, we do not doubt that there were many takers.

The Church of Saban, through its sundry connections of the Faithful throughout the country, have obtained a copy of the last newsletter that The One With Supple Breasts sent to his loyal paying custom…I mean fans. We now enlighten your eyes with a snippet this information:

Loyal Supporters of Texas A&M, what a great week it’s been here at the Dennis Franchione Honorary Football Complex. Although some “Debbie Downers” are viewing our slight non-win against Miami as a negative, we can assure you that such a name is nothing more than a learning experience. What did we learn? Well, we saw what happens when the players fail to execute my brilliant and in-every-way-perfect gameplan. Did you see those holes being opened on my famous smoke draw? The Hurricane defense had no idea what to do! If only my 335 pound tailback would hit the hole quickly LIKE I INSTRUCTED HIM TO we would have blown the Hurricanes out of their own stadium like a mild tropical depression. Yes, friends, trust me…it’s not my fault. It’s all their fault. For the love of Sam Houston, and all that is holy, please believe it’s not my fault! Please don’t fire me! I financed my augmentation surgery!…..”

Your Good Reverend Doctor consulted the Oracle about what the future holds for The One With Supple Breasts…and to the Followers of the Boobs, weep, for I must tell you, the future holds no favor for your master. And to those Aggies that are Enemies of the Boobs…rejoice, for the future holds no favor for your master.

Brothers and sisters in Saban,

We know that it has been a hard week for all members of the Great Sabanic Family.  However, the Wise have advised that the Plan of The Saban is not like the hopes of the Weak…it is neither fleeting, nor is it failing.  It does not come and go as do the tides, but rather incorporates the Mighty Process to give strength where there was weakness and hope where there was despair.  The Book of the Process tells us (5:1-2), "I will fight yet as I build my army, and although not every battle shall be won, the Final Victory shall be ours."

The enemies of Saban are a simple lot.  They view times of adversity as instances of weakness, and they fail to see that such adversity is just another cog in the Mighty Process.  They write scornful articles that fail to recognize the greatness of Saban, while at the same time praising false idols whose only real function now is to impart the preference for silly sunglasses on their proteges. 

I am reminded of the story of the Great Saban lecturing his believers shortly after his arrival.  In the Gospel According to Collette, the people asked Saban, "Teacher, what should we do about those that call you a demon?"  Saban replied, "I understand, my children, why they call me a demon.  They call me a demon because they know that my reign will feel as Hell to their minions." 

May it come to pass.

Brothers and sisters in Saban, I know that your ire for The One With Supple Breasts is great! I know that he picked us up as a lady of ill repute and spat on us without payment! However, you should not feel hate for him, as he was a necessary evil that had to move aside to make way for the Great Saban. It is written, “Fools and children shall come before me, but when I arrive, the flux shall be at an end.” (Book of Moore, 1:8). Let him cry into his sports bra in peace, as without his folly, the Great Saban could not have arrived.

Brothers and Sisters in Saban, let us pray,

Oh great and powerful Saban. We pray to you today to bestow victory upon your soldiers as they do battle with the foes from the east, the Followers of Dooley. So long it has been since we have tasted victory against this most formidable of opponents, but their days are numbered, for The Great Saban has come to deliver us to victory. Not since The Champion That Came Before You have we defeated these dogs, but we know you will succeed where The Child and The One With Supple Breasts did fail.

Oh Saban, for so many years we’ve tasted not victory, but rather our own tears of sorrow, and I fear that some among our nation have forgotten what it is to be a champion. In our last battle, you relit that fire, and showed us once again the great process which is underway. Even as some among the nation questioned you, you did not question yourself. Never did you doubt that victory was inevitable, and I pray that never again shall your nation doubt you.

We know your army will be prepared for battle, for you have bestowed upon them your wisdom, and you have molded them into a force that is far greater than the sum of the individual parts. Please enable Grant to be swift of foot and Wilson, strong of arm. Please help your Beast Child and his Friends of the Wall to defend our stronghold, and please let McClain and Castille show no mercy, for if our defenses are impregnable, then victory shall be assured.

Oh great and powerful Saban. Please make us a Champion today. Amen.

It appears that the followers of the Ogre will have a new sacred text to instruct them on the methods used by the Ogre to ensnare young soldiers and bring them to the black hole known as his Fortress of Yaw.  Like an alligator in the swamps of Louisiana, he jumps on them early, asserts his dominance, and then beats them into submission until they have no choice but to follow him. 

Unfortunately for the Rebels, the Great Saban has already told them how this story ends.  "The Ogre will rally many of the best to his side, yet they will still fall.  He could take a cup of wine and make it taste of mud, and will make those with the strength of the stallion fight with the will of the mule."