From The Book of Foes:

“The field commander approached the front lines, and what he saw before him caused him to tremble.  Before him lay a mountain:  the great crag had roots as deep as the oceans, and trees for arms as wide as the brim of the Dark Lord’s crown.  And the foe recoiled, and he cried, ‘What manner of man are you?’  And the Mountain replied, ‘Hungry.’  And the commander fell to his knees, as he knew that only his flesh could satisfy the Mountain’s hunger.”

Let us study from the Book of the Process, chapter 174:

“And the week before the great battle, the Dark Lord surveyed his troops, and he took heart at the look of his new armies.  But one thing troubled him:  who would lead his Lightning Corps into battle?  Several of that batallion had been hardened in battle, yet he saw not in their eyes the bloodthirst that he saw within himself.  And so he came before them, and they asked him, ‘Lord, who shall lead us into battle?’ And he said, ‘My sons, you shall follow the Great Youth, for although his experiences are few, his hatred for the enemy is great.’  And the Great Youth stepped forward, and he said, ‘I will even receive the first spear they launch.’”

Last night, Our Dark Lord Saban came to me in a dream.  I was, of course, amazed and terrified by his presence, and I was unable to look him straight in the eye, lest the lasers therein immediately scorch my retinas.  He said he wanted to speak with me, and took the form of Jerrell Harris’s dreadlocks to comfort me.  He said he wished for his Flock to know him better, and that I should conduct an interview with him.  I asked him, “Dark Lord, why must we do this in a dream?  Why don’t I call you tomorrow at your office?”  He said to me, “Child, taking phone calls from fans is not part of the process.”  I was ashamed to doubt his wisdom; I bowed my head, and the interview began.  He gave me one caveat:  his infinite greatness must be digested in small bits.  Therefore, he said, no answer that came from this wonderful, disembodied Rastafarian hairstyle could be over one word, and I should adjust my questions accordingly.

The Reverend Doctor:  Dark Lord, how are you this evening?
Our Dark Lord Saban:  Hungry.

RevDoc:  For what do you hunger?
Saban:  Tears.

RevDoc:  Is that all?
Saban:  No.

RevDoc:  What else, then?
Saban:  Cookies.

RevDoc:  What kind of cookies?
Saban:  Oatmeal.

RevDoc:  What do you eat when you can’t get tears or oatmeal cookies?
Saban:  Hope.

RevDoc:  Very interesting.  How is the team looking?
Saban:  Insufficient.

RevDoc:  Insufficient for what?
Saban:  Expectations.

RevDoc:  Who’s expectations?
Saban:  Mine.

RevDoc:  What do they need to do to meet your expectations?
Saban:  Perfection.

RevDoc:  Let’s play word association.  Les Miles.
Saban:  Hat.

RevDoc:  Urban Meyer.
Saban:  Jorts.

RevDoc:  Phil Fulmer.
Saban:  Rotund.

RevDoc:  Nick Saban.
Saban:  Handsome.

RevDoc:  My Dark Lord, thank you for haunting my dreams this evening.
Saban:  Aight.

From the Book of Bill Snyder, our most holy text on Junior College recruiting:

“And the Dark Lord Saban prepared for a journey, and he packed many days’ rations, and clean underwear for a fortnight.  He journed far to the west, and he came upon the Great Mountain.  Knowing his trek was almost at an end, he delighted, and began his ascent to the summit.  When he reached the top, his terrible voice rang out, ‘Rise, aight, and come follow me!’  And the mountain rose from the ground, and many dining hall cooks cried out in terror.”

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